No, the real reason for the recent upsurge in my internet excitement is due to the amount of preposterous headlines that I now read on a daily basis. Currently, it is 5:41pm on Tuesday, April 21st. I am still in my office, and promise to only use headlines that I either read earlier today, or find right now. Trust me, I can't make this stuff up.

"Mom of pirate in US custody pleads for his release"

In light of all the recent pirate activity off the Somali Coast, and specifically regarding the hostage situation of a US Naval captain; I do not intend to make light of this situation. It is no longer a humorous jolt when you read a story about a pirate attack. People are realizing that pirates are not the rum-swilling, sword brandishing, peg-legged buccaneers in swash buckling outfits and eye-patches that we see in the movies. Swords have been replaced with machine guns; and the outfits worn by these 21st century wannabe pirate dickheads consist of a torn t-shirt and a god damn baseball cap. I do not know much about the country of Somalia, nor will I ever claim to understand their culture or how they raise their children. The sad reality of the situation is that now, instead of wanting to grow up and make something positive out of their lives, these kids grow up wanting to be f-ing pirates. The part that pains me most about this headline is the "mom" part. His mother is now pleading to the President of our country, to pardon her 16-year old child for his acts of piracy. It's almost as if I don't know any other way to react than to just say, "WTF, really?"

"Secession is American"

THIS IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT BABYYYY!!! Now, I don't know if all of you have paid attention to the little media coverage that it's gotten (at least considering the enormous amount of attention that I feel this quote should have gotten), but Texas Governor Rick Perry uttered the following quote last week: "We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people - who knows what might come out of that."

Basically, this lead to the liberal media bashing him for being unpatriotic and calling him a modern-day Benedict Arnold, despite the many solid and viable points he had in regards to how a secession-type move could benefit the people of his state. Then we have good 'ol Ron Paul step into the picture and basically let everyone know that there would be no such thing as America without secession. Would secession not be the proper term to use when referencing what we did to escape the egregious rule of that namby-pamby jackass King George and the rest of the Brits? Exactly; it's called the Revolutionary War people. Pick up a god damn history book.

"Father of Slumdog Millionaire Child Accused of Trying to Sell Daughter"

Ummmmmm………uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh……….trryyyingg not to make joke….not appropriate time…..story..just…too sad………OK, I'm sorry. I can't help myself. This is just too much and it deserves a number of "these could be used as introduction sentences" after the headline. 1) "Deadbeat dad gets out from the slums…and goes into the Dog House!" 2) "Father denies report, claiming he just wants to see what kind of action is out there so he can use them to leverage a 6-year, $89 Million offer from the Yankees." 3) "Box of Rice - 20 Rupees……new sari for my wife - 300 Rupees…….trying to sell my daughter and creating an international incident - Priceless"

In sports-related news, to those of you who consider yourselves sports fans and are not from Chicago; suck it. Here's how Saturday's wide world of sports in the windy city ended up: 2:30pm - Bulls upset the Celtics in Game one of the NBA Playoffs at the TD Banknorth Garden (hahaha….what kind of laughable name for a stadium is that!!! At least the United Center sounds somewhat legit. The TDBNG sounds like a conservatory for retarded Canadians). 6:10pm - Aramis Ramirez hits a walk-off home-run in the bottom of the 11th inning at Wrigley (although I hate the Cubs, I love baseball…..and this was a great baseball game to watch. Interesting side note: Khalil Greene is officially the ugliest player in baseball besides Randy Johnson. If you don't know who he is, just think Sean Penn……..well, at least the Sean Penn from "I am Sam"). 9:37pm - The White Sox wrap-up an 8-3 trouncing of the Rays at the Trop (Josh Fields leaves 7 on base, Betemit goes for the "Golden Sombrero" with 4 strikeouts, we're facing Scott "Oh Georgie, is this sweater really made out of" Kazmir, and we still dominate the game? Winning ugly, it's just what we do). And sometime later on in the evening, the Blackhawks completed the Chi-City sweep with a 3-2 win over the Flames. Last time this happened in Chicago (2 playoff wins, both baseball teams winning) was April 26, 1992. Savor it friends, it might be a while before we once again get to experience the Chicago sportsgasm that was April 18, 2009.

Summer is coming, beach season is upon us, the fanny-packs are starting to come out, and I am ready for Italian Ice from Al's on Taylor Street. 35 degrees on Tuesday, 80 degrees on Friday; only in Chicago.

Blue Horseshoe loves Anacot Steel.

-Randy

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