The spirit of competition, learning how to work well as a team, putting in the time and effort to make yourself better, realizing that as a good athlete it is acceptable to make fun of the fat kid who gets picked last; these are just a handful of the lessons I learned from my active participation in sports. I am eternally grateful for the fact that I had a mother who was a gym teacher and a father who coached multiple sports on the high school level; for it was them who encouraged my participation in athletics at a young age.

Throughout my years of playing every organized sport imaginable, I have come to one definitive conclusion: that the overall value you get from the experience is commensurate with the coach on your sidelines. Looking back, there were certain coaches I had that make me want to go back in time just to play one more game for them. They are my own, personal version of Bobby Knight, George Halas, and Norman Dale. On the other hand, I had some coaches who brought zero value to the experience and contributed absolutely nothing to my evolution into the man I am today; consider these rogues of incompetence my own, personal versions of Rod Marinelli (0-16 with the Lions last year), Tim Floyd (49-190 record with the Bulls…….unacceptable to people from Chicago), and Patches O'Houlihan (verbally abused all of the players on his dodgeball team, threw wrenches at them after a mistake was made, team didn't really come together until he was crushed to death by a malfunctioning neon sign).

The reason I bring up the importance of coaching and its significance to me is because I am about to share with all of you the tragic tale of Michael Kinahan of Scituate, Massachusetts. You see, Michael Kinahan was selected to be the coach of a 6 and 7 year-old girls soccer team in the area. As a way to introduce himself to the parents of the girls who were selected to the team, he penned an email to give everyone a high level view of the expectations he had for the season. Unfortunately, due to the somewhat questionable and unethical message that Mr. Kinahan delivered to these parents, he has since resigned. Let me tell you, it could most certainly be the funniest thing I have ever read in my life. I am going to highlight a couple parts:

""OK, here's the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge "Team 7" for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don't need to talk to me."

Hold on though, here is the best paragraph of the email; and please remember, these are 6 and 7 year-old girls he is coaching:

 "I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the "W" in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it's good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can't handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America's youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as "bad". I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don't animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too - it isn't grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Who's with me? Go Green Death!"

You can find a full version of the email at the following link. The obvious sarcasm of this email is apparent, and the way he delivered his message, with such vivid descriptions of the expectations for the season made me want to run through a brick wall. I would not only LET my kids play for this guy, I would go out of my way to ensure that my offspring were on his squad of death. To the parents of Scituate, Massachusetts whose daughters may have been on this team and who were perturbed by Mr. Kinahan's email, I say this…….ARE YOU SHITTING ME!! Listen, I don't have a 6 or 7-year old daughter, so I can honestly admit that if I were a parent I'm not quite sure how I would react to this. But come on, if you were one of those parents who read the following sentence and didn't laugh out loud, there is something wrong with you: "Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy. And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners."

Michael Kinahan, you are a hero.

-Randy

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